Tag: Uplifting

Are you suffering from Ad Nauseam?

Ad Nauseam, adv/n

adv: Describing that which has been repeated so often that it has become irritating

n: A mental disorder brought upon by overly repetitive activities, including; but not limited to; work, school, and professional wrestling

 

Do your daily activities seem pointless? Does your willpower seem to diminish severely by the end of each day? Do you find yourself in an infinite regress of finding yourself in infinite regress?

You may be suffering from Ad Nauseam, and if so, maybe I can help.

You see, every morning I do three things to keep me in working condition:

  1. >2 min. brisk shower
  2. 1 standard unit breakfast cereal, dry
  3. About 35 min. solid, unrelenting aggressive energy aimed directly at the sky, also dry (at least in the morning)

I’ve been doing these three things every day for 4 1/2 years, now; the only thing that has been broken is my desire to stop.

Firstly, water on the face. Not hydration. Just water on the face. Remember, you just spent the entire night in complete motionlessness–you’re not looking for relief at this point. If you’re not begging for your 2+ minutes-long shower to be over, than you need to adjust the temperature accordingly. Don’t forget behind the ears.

Secondly, breakfast–the most important meal of the day (and the most bland if I get my way). In old Sparta they understood that food was for nourishment, not enjoyment, but this art of function-over-fashion has been long antiquidated–much like the Chinese yo-yo, except while yo-yos go up-and-down, breakfast goes down and stays there. Don’t think too hard about that.

Finally, I find that the transfer of extremely aggressive energy from the person to the external void is very healthy. When you’re able to concentrate on all of the injustices and problems stacked against you, it clears your mind of unrealistic opportunities and, best of all, grounds you in the present moment. In fact, that’s exactly why whenever your parents made you angry as a child, they’d inform you that you’re “grounded”–in the present moment. (That or you were in a high-voltage area.)

Now, of course this is all just my opinion, but I hope you can see that it is the best opinion available on the matter because it is all true.

Being that I have a fair amount of free time, I have become one of the nation’s leading consultants on this common, quite physiological affliction. Doubtful? I have written several books about a variety of things, so you can be sure that I am an expert on something. Additionally, I have not seen any verification whatsoever that any world government has consulted anyone that is not me on this issue, and so certainly no one is more qualified than I.

Than me.

I am the most qualified person.

There we go.

You may ask yourself, “How can I remedy my Ad Nauseum?” and that’s a fair question, although I would ask that next time you consult a professional before going to yourself for advice. For starters, I’m sure you will find that turning everything into a game will do wonders to this end.

For example, my work compadre FOUVRE Yourk and me–and I–like to race when trying to perform particularly monotonous activities. Fouvre may be slow-going and not very hard to beat, but he never ceases to express an insurmountable desire for competition that helps drive me to always attempt greatness.

One time we received a shipment of used cards from the famous Merrier Casino, and Wally decided that we should regularize the order of cards in each box. Fouvre and I instantly volunteered to be in charge of doing just that, and for the next 45 minutes we were in full-shuffle-mode. The final tally was 62-38 in my favor. By the end we were as flushed as those cards, but we managed to turn busywork into Child’s play.

You are suffering from Ad Nauseam. Don’t feel bad, though. Everyone is doing it. When you don’t have something to work toward, no goals or plans, it’s hard to tell if you’re doing what you need to be doing and trying as hard as you should/could be. That’s why I suggest you do those three things I mentioned whenever I find myself with an especially troublesome case. (That’s also why I often suggest scheduling all of your sick days months in advance, but that’s a subject for another day’s article.)

Just remember this: Boredom is a state of mind. You can stand up to it. We can stand up to it. Together. Maybe tomorrow.

Seeing the glass half full

You know what’s odd? Circles. Circles? Yes, circles, but most importantly, the number pi that’s contained in each one. It’s everywhere! Smoke detectors? Yep, they’re round. Toilet paper rolls? Those too. The plastic wheels on your office chair? Yes, bloody yes–we’re talking about a pretty basic shape here.

Contained somewhere deep in the hidden digits pi is:

  • Your birthday
  • Your social security number
  • The year you were born multiplied by the day of the month you read your very first word
  • And even the binary translation of the entire works of William Shakespeare

I will not lie. That’s an impressive laundry list of achievements, and I’ll bet you it’s not even worn out yet. I admit that I don’t know any of those things that I mentioned above, and it’s really quite humiliating that pi can do it with such ease.

Over the last few days I’ve gotten to thinking–that thinking has lead to more thinking, and soon enough I’ve found myself in thoughts so deep that I could put the Mariana Trench out of business.

I realized that I may never have a second of free-time again, and while I will always be able to look about me, find something as simple as a circle, and think, “Man, I wish I could get around like you do,” that’s no excuse for me to be sitting on the floor playing patty-cake with the wall all day. It’s time to get to work. Literally.

It started with a phone call last weekend from my department oversight, Mr. WALLY Walid-Washington. Wally told me he needed our overstock warehouse moved around a little because we were bringing in a huge crayon buyout; it was such a good offer, we apparently “would be jerks to pass on it.”

So here we have the warehouse–packed already, mind you, like a house-fire suitcase–and about 1/3 of that space’s worth of unused crayons that had to all fit by the next day.

This is me in panic mode, and I never lose my chill. I was up at 4 a.m. to get to work and start manoeuvering heavy machinery for the sole benefit of the company. I was the only one there. But that didn’t stop me. By the time the morning crew started showing up I had a row of shelves gone and everything that was on it got condensed into subsequent space.

I had a chat with the shift supervisor, he acknowledged my efforts and shrugged, and I exited the building with the understanding that I just saved the day.

Wally saw me the next day and he laughed. He said, “You’re a real buffoon, you know that? You moved the wrong shelves. We bring in shipments on the other end.”

I felt the deflating defeat on soul. What are you supposed to say when you make the greatest effort and then realize that you haven’t done anything? Can you accept the fact that this greatest effort of yours has failed to garnish their tarnished perception of you?

Of course this feeling fizzled out for the most part, but the terrible tremors from this emotional earthquake still sometimes return and make me stop what I’m doing and just stare at the wall for a 30 second reverie and then let me go back to what I was doing. You know, everybody’s had those moments. You just have to forget about them.

I ultimately decided that I’m going to start seeing these moments as negative experiences that need some kind of neutralizing. I made a mistake at work, so now I’m starting a blog. I fail at something; I succeed at two things. If that’s not the pathway to success, I don’t know what is. Inventing a new jelly bean? No. Actually, I hadn’t thought of that, but regardless…

You are now officially a part of my quest to success. Together, we can bring this glass from half-empty to half-full. It’s not impossible. You just have to be ready to change (i.e. never repeat yourself) and maybe get a little irrational. Once you can do those things, who knows how far you’ll go?